Something I wrote a while ago and given my state of mind lately something I want to share for some catharsis.

Everything I write is crap. Very rarely do I look back at something and be completely satisfied with it. Usually this is because it is incomplete or it’s just not as cool written down as it was in my head. There’s a translation error somewhere between my brain and my fingers that just screws everything up.

The greatest victim of this is Cross. She does an amazing job translating what I write to works of art. Even if it’s not how I envisioned it it’s still amazing seeing these characters and places brought to life. I hope I never get tired of seeing new strips from her.

The second greatest victim of this, currently, is Maddie.

She was my first Seraph, the prototype. For over a decade she’s existed in my head, being played out by me in a text based role play with friends. I skipped over her death in that because I couldn’t handle it. Every time I’d even think about it I’d get choked up.

I have a pretty healthy Pygmalion complex. It works in a cyclical fashion. I will fall in love with one of my female characters and dedicate a tremendous amount of time and thought to them, sculpting them in my mind and trying to convey that to text. Eventually that will subside and soon a new female character will rise up and the cycle starts again.

Maddie wasn’t my first Eliza Doolittle but definitely in the top two of those that have deeply affected me.

I struggled hard with the Mary Sue complex when I started writing, even still need to fight against it. The Evans, Nate, Gabriel and Rayne and textbook examples. Maddie was my first that was separate from all of them, from all the ones I want to be or be with.

She has lived a healthy and adventurous life inside my head this last decade. Gaining the attributes of those women in my life. Intelligence, strength, beauty, most importantly compassion.

The part that makes me the most sad is that only a sliver of that life was put into The Sov. I did her a great disservice in her portrayal in The Sov. She deserved a far better treatment than I could have given. Even now I think back over the first two volumes and try to think of how I could have done better by her. But as any writer knows, the story writes itself.

I’ve known since the conception stages of The Sov, when Cross first came to me and we started building a story, that Maddie was going to die. By the rules of the Soverse she had to die. That didn’t stop me from wanting to change my mind. All throughout Volume 2, I was playing a game of tug-o-war with myself over whether to kill her or not. Even at that, her death in The Sov wasn’t what it could have been. It was the only way I could handle it.

Her impossible ability to show compassion to anyone, to show unconditional love for them is probably what makes it hurt the most. The one that didn’t deserve to die is the one that did. 

Even now, writing this, I feel like I’m short changing her.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to write more of her, so that you can fall in love with her too.

Maddie is my angel. I hope that one day I’ll be able to raise a daughter like you. Even if my future wife won’t let me name her after you.

I wrote you as a baby. As a little girl learning the world. A teenager finding love. A princess, a queen, a sister, a cousin, a wife, a friend, a mother.

There are other stories I could tell of you, but it won’t be you. Not my Mads, but an alternate version of what could have been.

I want to write more for you. But know this:

As long as I breathe you will have life.

The other Seraphs are all who they are because of you.

I love you, Mads.

Always have.

Always will.